This blog is my personal blog. I will write whatever is on my mind {heart}. That may mean one day it's on marriage, a photography tutorial post or a happy meal that turned six years old a few days ago. Today I turn to a subject that is all too familiar. I have received a few emails from women whose hearts long for a child but at this time have empty arms. When trying to comfort someone who is facing infertility, sometimes words that are said with the great intentions, can be really hurtful.
Here are a few things that should never be said to a woman who is facing the road of infertility.
1. "Just relax, and you'll get pregnant" {Hmmm....why didn't I think of that!! HELLO I would have already been pregnant!!}
2. "Why don't you buy a dog" {I did that and it didn't make it easier.}
3. "Why don't you just adopt" {Because choosing to adopt is such a personal decision and shouldn't be a remedy just because you can't have kids. It has to be covered in lots of prayer and done with the purest intentions. }
4. "Well at least you know you can get pregnant" {after trying and finally getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage.}
5. "You should enjoy life with just your husband while you are childless" {seriously!!}
6. "You can borrow mine for the weekend. That'll change your mind" {I'm not even going to touch this one}
This is all I could think of, but there are so many. {feel free to add your own} If you know someone in this situation sometimes the best way you can be there is just by being a good listener.
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I am a sinner saved by grace! I love being a wife and absolutely adore my husband. My newest role as mother has been incredible! Before God blessed us with our little man we struggled with infertility and suffered a loss. To read about our loss click here. I am a professional photographer living out my dream one frame at a time.
Hubby
My husband is adventurous, loving, patient, funny, encouraging, forgiving, talented and my best friend. We met through a mutual friend at church. The fact that he could sing and play guitar was what caught my eye. But his personality and love for the Lord is what won my heart. Well that and his smile!
Little Man
Little man is our little blessing. He made is big debut on June 1, 2009. He is such a happy boy, who is very curious about the world around him. Which is a nice way of saying, he is into everything! We found out we were pregnant with him two days before we had our first infertility specialist appointment. God is good!
Cohen
Our second blessing, Cohen was born December 2, 2010. He and his brother are almost exactly 1 year 1/2 apart. We love watching his personality shine through and are blessed to have him in our family!
Mason
Mason is our third boy and the best surprise we've ever received! His big brothers love him to pieces. So far he is a laid back baby who is already sleeping through the night.
What's in my bag
I soooo agree with you. We tried for over 2 years before getting pg with the baby we lost and then it took 6 months between that pregnancy and James. Another really good post would be about things not to say to someone that has just lost a baby. There were some doozies. A listening ear speaks volumes
ReplyDeleteI think it you are awesome for posting this. There is not enough awareness. For some of the very blessed women that easily became pregnant they can not understand the pain that others go through. If we could make all women aware of the comments that are hurtful then we could save others heartache.
ReplyDeleteWe tried for 14 months and were about to start infertility meds when we were blessed with this pregnancy. I never would have thought the Lord would have us wait that long, but now I understand it was because he wanted us to have these two special babies. Our double miracles!
I hated these one:
ReplyDelete"Are you STILL trying?" and "When are you going to have children?"
Eventually I became quite "ugly" about the whole thing and if they asked me things like that I would say stuff like:
"We practice daily. Do you want details?" "Yes, we still have sex and it is great. We have a favorite position. Do you want me to tell you about it?"
They shut up and usually didn't ask me any more :o)
Have a great day Monica ♥
I have my fertility exam scheduled for this coming Monday. Yep, on Monday I will know whether the doctors say I can or can not have a baby. I understand that God does not rely on the decision of the doctors, but this is still a pretty big thing. That being said, I totally appreciate this post. People don't get it, they just don't. When they think they're helping is when I want to tear out their eyes the most! It is something that no words make better, it's something that only a caring heart and a listening ear can relieve a tiny portion of the pain. Ultimately, I'm so grateful that I have a personal relationship with God, because I don't know how I would get through these appointments without Him!
ReplyDeleteSooo...I have one to add for people that are trying to adopt via CPS. NEVER say "Well..if you were willing to take a child that has flaws you could adopt one tomorrow."
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of person views children as "perfect" or "imperfect"? I almost popped her. ALL children are gifts from God and are perfect exactly the way God made them.
All in all...don't say anything to a person going through infertility...just hug them and listen.
I am so blessed to have never had to personally suffer with this. But I cannot imagine what it must be like to hear saome of those things. I think it is great that you were transparent!
ReplyDeleteIt took us over six years to get pregnant with our son. I was so tired of the comments from people that a few years into the six years wait we just told everyone we knew that we weren't trying any more (and then just tried in secret).
ReplyDeletethings not to say:
ReplyDeleteyou already have 4 kids, you should be happy with the children you have.
I have to say that we are not currently doing something to get pragnant but would love to be pragnant again, it just is not happening
Awesome post, once again Monica! People can be so insensitive...
ReplyDeleteuntil they walk in the shoes of the person they are giving that "wonderful advice" to!
Hugs,
Traci
great post!!!!! you are strong person I can tell1!! keep your chic up :)
ReplyDeleteIf you would like come check out my blog and enter my current giveaway at littlemissheirlooms.blogspot.com
I hope you decided to follow me because I try to bring my readers a new and AMAZING giveaway every Monday!
Xo
Priscila
You know, I have said many of those very things. Forgive me. I hadn't realized how hurtful they could be. Thank you for the reminder to speak with love. I hope and pray that God will open your womb and bless you with more children!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for everyone that is currently facing this road or has faced it. Great additions to the list ladies, most people don't even realize that they are saying something hurtful. It's good to bring awareness.
ReplyDeleteRachel-I know that I have said several of these things before I was "trying." I'm sure several of us have. Don't feel bad but thank you for the prayers. :)